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How to Overcome a Lack of Intimacy After Baby

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There is nothing like pushing a baby out of your body that will make you feel more like an alien creature and less like a woman ready to have sex.

Having a lack of intimacy after baby can be a real problem for couples. Many people feel that having a baby can strengthen a relationship, but it can also put a real strain on things if you aren’t careful.

A decreased libido and a lack of overall intimacy and closeness with my husband is something that I’ve really struggled with after becoming a mom.

Don’t let a feeling of being unattractive affect your relationship. Here are some great tips to help you bring back the romance in your relationship.

How Can Feel Attractive After Having a Baby?

I think the biggest problem that affects most women after having a baby is that they just don’t feel attractive.

Now, I’m not saying that you do feel unattractive, or that you will feel that way. I just know that I did. I honestly hope that you don’t feel that way. Your body goes through so many different changes during pregnancy though, that it can feel a bit foreign for a while. There also comes a time when you realize that you probably won’t ever get your old body back. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing though.
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Your body has done an amazing thing. It has brought your baby into this world. It has cared for and protected your baby in a way that no one else will ever be able to.

Your body may not look the same as it did before you got pregnant, but it is definitely better now.

If you’re struggling with wrapping your head around your new normal, then learning to embrace your new body will go a long way in dealing with the lack of intimacy in your relationship.

Also keep in mind that most men don’t actually care what your body looks like after you have a baby. Some men actually prefer a post-baby body. (Source)

There are some small changes that you can make to help you feel more attractive and more like yourself again though.

  • Eat healthier

For nine, very long, month you were probably a slave to your cravings. I know I was. If that’s the case, then you probably aren’t used to eating quite like you should be.

Take some time get back on the healthy eating bandwagon.

Not only will you feel better thanks to your body actually being healthier, but you will most likely start to lose some of that excess baby weight that came with lugging around your tiny human.

Eating healthy doesn’t mean cutting calories either. 500 calories of cookies and 500 calories of veggies are two completely different things. If you’re breastfeeding, then your body still needs those calories to make milk, you just need better calories.

It is completely possible to lose weight while breastfeeding if you’re smart about it.

The trick to eating healthier isn’t necessarily to lose weight though, it is to feel better. Being healthy is always better than being skinny.

  • Buy some stylish undies and nursing bras

Dealing with some body image issues can definitely affect your libido. I know I don’t want to get naked if I don’t actually feel sexy.

Getting some better-looking panties and nursing bras can go a long way in how you feel naked.

So, go ahead, skip the granny panties and go with the lacy option that makes you feel like the hot mama you really are.

  • Get some clothes that actually fit

Even if you do manage to lose all of the excess baby weight, your clothes probably won’t fit quite the same as they used to.

I’ve really struggled with the idea that I needed to go up a pant size simply because my hips are wider now.

Most of my shirts don’t look quite the same either because my boobs are a different shape than they were before. Pregnancy and a year of pumping for my little one has forever changed all of that.

Take a day and actually do some shopping. As much as I love online shopping, I would strongly suggest going to an actual store so that you can try things on.

Everything is a little different, but actually having clothes that fit properly that you feel good in can drastically change how you feel.

  • Go for a walk

Having a baby is stressful. There’s no doubt about that. And if you’re cooped up inside all day because you’re struggling to keep up with all the demands of your tiny dictator then you’re probably going to drive yourself crazy.

Take that cute little bundle of dynamite and pop him in the stroller and head out for a walk.

My guy loved going for a walk when he was a baby, to be honest, he still loves it now as a toddler. He stays nice and calm and I get a chance to get my blood pumping and get a change of scenery.

I am ALWAYS in a better mood after I get outside for a while. I bet some fresh air will do you some good as well.

  • Take a nap

I know, I know, having a new baby means that you are exhausted and severely sleep-deprived. I get it. Some sleep though will do you a world of good.

Ask someone to come over and watch your baby for an hour or two so that you can actually get some uninterrupted sleep.

You will feel refreshed and more like an actual person.

Having a break from constant human contact will be nice too. Sometimes the idea of being touched after carrying around my baby all day long just drives me crazy.

Even though people need human contact, I’m also convinced we need a little time to ourselves as well.

So, take a nap, take a shower, just take a moment to get a way and recharge. You will feel so much better.

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Regaining Intimacy After Childbirth

Once you actually get past the feelings of being unattractive and living in a foreign body, then you can start trying to rebuild your relationship with your husband.

I think a lot of women feel this pressure to jump right back in the sack once they get the green light from the doctor around 6 weeks postpartum. That isn’t the case though.

Having a baby is a big deal. There are so many things physically, mentally, and emotionally going on for you throughout pregnancy, childbirth, and those first few weeks (months), that I honestly think it’s a little unreasonable for women to feel like they have to have sex so quickly.

I was so nervous about having sex for the first time after I had my son. I’m not really sure why, but the whole idea of sex really weirded me out.

We waited until I was ready. I think it was around 11 or 12 weeks postpartum before I felt comfortable enough to give sex a try.

And you know what? That’s okay.

There are plenty of other ways to be romantic and intimate with your spouse other than having sex.

How To Get the Romance Back After Having a Baby

·         Talk

Take some time to really talk to each other. Not about the baby and how many diapers you’ve changed today, but about you and your relationship.

Talk about how you feel, how your partner feels, and find a way to reconnect. Chances are that most of your conversations revolve around your baby these days, take a moment to get back to other topics.

·         Touch

It doesn’t have to be in a sexual manner, but something as simple as holding hands, cuddling on the couch, and hugging can make a big difference in how intimate you feel towards each other.

·         Have date night

If you can, get a babysitter or a friend to come by and watch your baby for a couple of hours so you can go out and just spend some time together.

If that isn’t possible though, then you can definitely find some ways to have a date night at home. Either way, get back to actually dating your spouse.

·         Do something together

It can be anything from going on a walk together to cooking dinner together. Just spend some time with each other.

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·         Do something apart

If you’re feeling stressed and pressured when you’re together, then spend a little time apart. Just enough to take a break and get some perspective.

They do say, “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Put that to the test.

·         Be kind

It can be easy to let little things get to you when you’re exhausted and stressed out. The added hormones definitely don’t help the matter.

Make an effort to hold your tongue and not snap at your spouse if he doesn’t do something exactly to your liking.

And on the other hand, try to go out of your way to be nicer to each other. Send a simple text during the day when you’re thinking about him and tell him thank you if he does something that you appreciate it.

Simple gestures go a long way.

·         Change your pattern of initiating sex

Change things up a bit. Does your husband always start sex every time? Maybe this time you should initiate it.

Changing up your routine can bring a little excitement back into your relationship.

Overcoming a Lack of Intimacy After Having a Baby

Sometimes the trick to getting through a rough patch is as simple a little communication actually spending some time together.

While other times it can take a little longer and require a bit more effort.

No two relationships are the same. Take some time to really look at the things that are going on and figure out what problems need to be addressed.

Focus on being more affectionate towards one another and spending some time together. It doesn’t always have to include sex.

The key thing to remember is that you are allowed to take as long as you need to feel comfortable again. The first time you have sex after having a baby is going to feel a little weird.

It is okay to wait until you’re ready for that. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you should just immediately bounce back after pushing out a watermelon. That isn’t how it works.

Just take your time and talk to your spouse about how you feel. Don’t just push them out. He or she is a part of your relationship too, make sure that he feels included.

Are you struggling with a lack of intimacy after having a baby? How are you dealing with it? Leave me a comment below or join the conversation in our Facebook group.

Until next time!

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